Guest post by writer and poet Sparsh Paul.
"Leave your spirit genocide, the cancer you won't remove."
This iconic line by Jeff Buckley from the song 'The Sky Is A Landfill' keeps ringing in my head everyday. It makes me think about how so many of us consciously choose suffering over healing
because it feels familiar, which makes us feel safe in some form or the other.
Familiarity is addictive and even the most strong willed people find it hard to let go.
A lot of us go down this destructive path despite knowing that it is full of landmines. The kind of landmines that are triggered, not when you step on them, but when you step off.
That's how it is with familiarity. Till the time you stay stagnant in this mental prison, you feel like you're doing fine, despite being in denial about your trauma or illness.
Your mind manipulates you (or, you manipulate your mind) into believing that this is what normality feels like; that this is how you're "supposed" to feel; and that this is where you're "destined" to stay forever.
The bars are invisible and you're holding onto them with a death grip.
I'd be a hypocrite if I said that I have never done time in this prison. That's why I know the moment you step off and try to move forward is when havoc is wreaked in your mind.
The cruel feeling of uncertainty hits you. It hits you hard. You panic. You feel afraid and directionless, devoid of any real meaning in life. This is the first, and probably the
hardest, step on the road to recovery.
It's absolutely okay to feel like going back to the war-zone where you've spent an eternity, but I've learnt the hard way that it's so important to hold your ground at this point, even if you're not moving forward.
Taking the first step towards the exit sign is an act of immense courage, and going back to the fiery pits of suffering is not the answer.
Pain, discomfort, and turbulence are essentially unavoidable components of life, but what matters is how we choose to endure and learn from them.
I'd rather embrace the hardships that I come across on my path to healing than suffer as I stay
stagnant in a prison of pain.
Trust me when I say that there's light ahead. A new light, a comforting light.
Trust me when I tell you that the journey of healing is adventurous and full of adrenaline. It is not only a pathway to recovery, but also the road to self-discovery.
This is a journey where you get the chance to explore your mind and subsequently your body every day as you find your unique equilibrium between darkness and light.
Poem By Sparsh Paul
I'm Ready To Heal
Last night I was choking, overdosing on misery
Thank God I was choking cause I had an epiphany
I transcended into the unexplored dungeons in my heart
A dystopian mystery where hope fell apart
Infinite track marks, constant reminders of self inflicted infamy
Not in the veins, these scars are carved in my headspace just like a Beatles symphony
Hey little guy on my shoulder, I'm tired of carrying you along
I'm tired of feeding my soul to the parasites and making them strong
I solemnly swear to not breathe in the toxicity
I no longer choose to be stranger to felicity
Now I'm an eternal passenger on the recovery train
Farewell Darkness, it's time to rewire and reboot my brain
I'm ready to heal
I'm ready to feel
I'm ready to thrive
I'm ready to survive
About Sparsh Paul
Sparsh is a postgraduate student who writes under the pseudonym 'Spartan.' With poetry and musical instruments (ukulele, guitar, kalimba) being his predominant forms of expression, he believes in the therapeutic effects produced by the synergy of sound, scenery and words.
Connect with him on Instagram @bluntsnbooks.